Dr. James M. READ, Psychology Online

     ask dr. read
     Idaho Statesman columns
     new articles

     biography
     formal resume
     philosophy
     services offered
     contact dr. read

     psychology links
     other links
     forms
     pictures

Breaking Up Proves Hard to Do
by James M. Read, Ph.D.
Endings are difficult even under the best of circumstances. Saying goodbye to an old friend, a class, a group that won't be meeting anymore, can be an emotional experience.

It's no wonder that ending an intimate relationship can be so very difficult indeed, and that some people go to such great ends to avoid what may have become inevitable. When you have shared so much with someone and become so much a part of that person it is hard to break the ties even when the relationship seems doomed.

Most difficult of all is perhaps the situation a person faces when he or she has to tell his or her "friend" that the relationship is ending. How does one best go about doing it? How do you tell the one you used to love that you don't anymore?

There is no easy answer to this age-old problem, but here are some suggestions: Do it early, and don't drag out a bad relationship that is bound to end. Be honest and don't make up excuses or rationalize your behavior. Be sensitive to your partner's feelings and tactful about how you say things, but don't lie.

Don't suddenly change the rules and start behaving differently in the hopes that your "friend" will reject you and you will be spared the task of bringing the subject up. Focus on the good things you've had together, and the growth you've both experienced. Review a little of your history together, but don't avoid the bottom line: You have decided it's time to move on.

Don't blame your partner. Say as many good things as you can about him or her (after all, this IS the person you once loved), but do point out the reasons why your feelings have changed. Tie it into specific behaviors and the situational context if you can. Make sure you don't imply that your lover is a "bad" or worthless person.

You are not rejecting your friend; you are ending a relationship that is no longer satisfying, appropriate or positive. Emphasize that your lover is a good person, and though hurt, will recover and will go on to other relationships. The pain that clouds our perception often makes us feel that we are incapable of loving again. This feeling is temporary and will pass. Be as positive and encouraging as you can while at the same time honest about your own feelings and how they have changed.

Even in pain (and perhaps largely because of it) we grow. Even this painful ordeal can be the seed for much personal growth.

Your lover may have grown overly dependent on you and may be unable to face the ending without help. You can provide some of that help in the way you end the relationship with sensitivity and honesty, but professional help may be necessary to avoid serious problems and even a suicide attempt. Don't hesitate to suggest that your lover needs help and might want to talk to a pastor, counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist.

If your friend refuses help and is despondent or suicidal, you CAN draw him or her to the hospital emergency room for evaluation and treatment. This could avoid a suicide, or even a murder-suicide, like we seem to have had recently in Boise, as a result of a relationship gone sour.

Most endings are not that tragic, but there is a lot you can do to make it easier. Be sensitive and be honest.

Originally published in the Idaho Statesman, 4/27/85.

For more information contact psychologist James M. Read, Ph.D. at: jread@jread.com

ebWWeb design