ask dr. read      Idaho Statesman columns      new articles      biography      formal resume      philosophy      services offered      contact dr. read      psychology links      other links      forms      pictures		Dealing with Differences by James M. Read, Ph.D. Dealing with differences isn't easy, especially when it involves your beloved partner in a relationship. Differences of opinion, style, taste, habit, expression, communication. You name it, differences can be threatening. It's much easier to accept differences (of almost any kind) with someone more distant. Someone with whom you don't have a close relationship. A casual acquaintance or colleague at work, for example. With someone more distant it doesn't matter that much. There isn't as much at stake. There is less to lose. So why are differences frightening? It's because we fear they will undo the relationship. They will lead to a lack of commitment and a loss of control. Rejection. People are scared of differences, says family therapist James F. Alexander, Ph.D., because they don't trust the process of effectively dealing with the differences. They don't trust themselves to be able to handle them without threatening the security of the relationship. It's a common theme in families. Avoiding what should be obvious differences and pretending they don't exist. Don't talk about it, and it won't hurt us. Or, the opposite extreme, fight about it all the time. Tolerate no difference and crush the resistance! But neither avoidance nor constant battle work very well. Talking openly in a non-blaming, non-shaming, accepting and uncritical way is always the ideal to which we should aspire. No matter how glaring the differences or painful the content. Trusting the process of talking and negotiating is vital to healthy relationships. We've got to be able to talk about things, no matter what, if we want to have satisfying and healthy relationships within our families and between couples. The content is the message. It's WHAT we talk about. The process is the communication style. It's HOW we do it. How we treat each other in dealing with differences. So go ahead, which do you think is more important? We must learn and cultivate good process. Open, nonjudgemental, accepting communication. Then we need to trust that the process is adequate to deal with all the differences. Across all situations. Good processing + tolerating differences = healthy families. James M. Read, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist  Originally published in The Idaho Stateman newspaper (Boise, Idaho) May 27, 1993 For more information, or to contact the author (that's me!), write to James M. Read, Ph.D., jread@jread.com