ask dr. read      Idaho Statesman columns      new articles      biography      formal resume      philosophy      services offered      contact dr. read      psychology links      other links      forms      pictures		Don't Let the Four Horsemen Invade Your Relationship! by James M. Read, Ph.D. The four horsemen he calls them. Artisans of marital distress. Prognosticators of doom. Don't let them invade your house and trample your relationship! For years University of Washington psychologist John Gottman has been doing research on the way couples communicate. I've had one of his earliest books (A Couples Guide to Communication, 1976) since it was published. It's not very good. But now he has over 20 years of accumulated wisdom and lots of data to support his findings. He says he can predict (with a fair degree of accuracy) which couples will stay together and which ones won't. He narrows it down to four critical items that predict disaster in a relationship. He calls them (after the famous Knute Rockne coached Notre Dame football players) the "four horsemen." They're easy to remember, but not so easy to avoid. Worth working on in any relationship, I think. They are criticism, defensiveness, ridicule and withdrawal. Simple enough -- CDRW. I wish I could figure out how to make that into a catchy acronym. It makes a lot of sense to me. Criticism is corrosive. Avoid it. It doesn't mean you can't give feedback and say how you feel. Or ask for what you want. Just do it nicely and don't put your partner down. And don't be defensive. Be open and willing to talk. About anything and everything. Only if you are being viciously and unfairly attacked need you retreat to protect yourself. You don't need to defend yourself and try to blame something or someone else when your partner is just trying to solve a problem or express how he or she is feeling. Ridicule is a clear no no. Sarcasm and cynicism directed at your partner fall in the same to-be-avoided-like-the-plague category. Warm and uplifting humor is good. Ridicule and unwelcome teasing is bad. Withdrawal is worst of all. You can't have a relationship with someone who is mentally or physically absent. Frequent or constant withdrawal is the death knell of any relationship. There you have it: the four horsemen. Criticism, defensiveness, ridicule and withdrawal. If you value your relationship try to keep them from prancing around and wreaking havoc in your house. James M. Read, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist  Originally published in The Idaho Stateman newspaper (Boise, Idaho) June 3, 1993 For more information, or to contact the author (that's me!), write to James M. Read, Ph.D., jread@jread.com