ask dr. read      Idaho Statesman columns      new articles      biography      formal resume      philosophy      services offered      contact dr. read      psychology links      other links      forms      pictures		Give Genuine Compliments Often by James M. Read, Ph.D. Take notice of praiseworthy situations and say something! Most of us don't get or give nearly enough genuine heart-felt compliments. The opportunities are all around. Catch your children being good... and heap on the attention and praise. Notice a stranger doing something kind -- say something. Find a coworker going the second mile -- don't let it go uncelebrated. Most compliments are, unfortunately, given on the basis of appearance. "Wow, you really look good," or "that's a nice looking outfit" and so on. I think we overemphasize appearance and neglect "substance." I'd rather see other qualities given greater attention. So as you raise your awareness level and notice more praiseworthy acts and qualities, try to vary what you notice and what you reinforce. And the more specific the praise, the better. "You're wonderful," even said with extraordinary enthusiasm doesn't have as much impact as "You really have a special ability to see the subtle nuances and come up with just the right ingredients to solve the problem!" Family atmosphere and communication can be enhanced considerably by the liberal application of specific and varied praise. Don't say the same thing all the time, and make it varied and specific. Frequency does not substitute for specificity. If you say it too much it won't be heard. "You're terrific" or "you're beautiful" too often repeated may fall on deaf ears. A situation-specific compliment will never go unnoticed. "That was really thoughtful of you to call Mrs. Smith and offer to help. You're such a giving person. I'm really impressed and proud of you!" That's more specific. Or, for example, "I'm really impressed with the way you handled that argument yesterday between Sharon and Bob. You really stepped right in there with just the right words, and such a calming confident presence -- it really did the trick. You've got terrific peacemaking and mediation talents." Children need lots of specific praise. It helps shape and socialize. Positive comments, praise, and affirming behaviors (as well as honest communication in general) -- these are what lubricate the inner workings of a healthy family. But it doesn't stop with the kids. Adults need a steady diet of self-esteem maintaining specific praise. So let's all make an effort to look for the good, and make specific and genuine comments about it. We can start by raising our consciousness of praiseworthy situations. Look for them, and say something! James M. Read, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist  Originally published in The Idaho Stateman newspaper (Boise, Idaho) February 3, 1994 For more information, or to contact the author (that's me!), write to James M. Read, Ph.D., jread@jread.com