ask dr. read      Idaho Statesman columns      new articles      biography      formal resume      philosophy      services offered      contact dr. read      psychology links      other links      forms      pictures		Give Feedback Gently, with Love by James M. Read, Ph.D. Dispensing criticism is hard to avoid completely. Especially in families. I've suggested before that we should aim for the goal of avoiding all criticism. But that doesn't mean we can't give "feedback." It's the fine art of feedback delivery, and the talk that precedes (and follows) it that most of us could afford to refine. Above all, be kind and gentle and loving. Feedback should be given because you care and want to help. Not because you are angry and want to "even the score." Choose a calm moment when the other person is likely to be receptive. Start with "I" statements. Never with "you." The latter always sound like an accusation. As if you're putting the person on trial. Often (but not always) it's appropriate and helpful to start out with a positive "preamble" statement that underscores your concern for the other, and for maintaining a good relationship. "I really care about you and I want to see you feeling happy and doing well in school. I want us to get along well, and really be able to talk about things." That's a good opening "preamble" and "I" statement. The next part is harder. Now comes the expression of concern, and implicit statement of desire for change. "I've noticed that you've had trouble, it seems to me, getting your homework done, and I'm concerned that you might be getting behind. Is there anything I can do to help?" If that doesn't get a conversation going you can turn up the heat a little. "I'm really worried about how it's going for you at school. It seems to me that perhaps, with so many distractions and temptations, you've had trouble focusing on your homework and getting it done. Do you think there is a problem?" That's the art of giving feedback (and initiating a discussion) while avoiding self-concept damaging direct hit criticism. It avoids accusations and relies heavily on "I" statements. This is good: "I'm frustrated. I'd really like to talk with you because I value our relationship, and I care about you. But I can't seem to get your attention, and I feel like you are avoiding me." This is bad: "You make me so mad. You ignore me and won't talk. You're the most pigheaded frustrating person I know!" It's a lot easier to respond to the first example without being defensive. The latter invites a fight. So try it. Don't criticize. Look for opportunities to give genuine praise. But when you must, give gentle loving feedback that starts with an "I" statement, and avoids an accusing pointed finger. James M. Read, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist  Originally published in The Idaho Stateman newspaper (Boise, Idaho) January 27, 1994 For more information, or to contact the author (that's me!), write to James M. Read, Ph.D., jread@jread.com