ask dr. read      Idaho Statesman columns      new articles      biography      formal resume      philosophy      services offered      contact dr. read      psychology links      other links      forms      pictures		Getting Nagged Means You are Important by James M. Read, Ph.D. Here's a thought. If your spouse nags at you a lot it's because he or she really cares about you. She thinks you're important and wants you to be close, available, and supportive of the relationship. That's what nationally known family therapist James Alexander says. He talks about major themes that play out in families, and often cause trouble when they are not properly understood and handled. One of them is nagging. He says arguing and criticizing and nagging all occur because of how important one partner is to the other. That's a refreshing and enlightened way to look at it. Might even help a person tolerate it a little better! Unfortunately, he points out, people tend to forget the underlying positive reason for all the nagging, and then they can hear only criticism. Another theme Dr. Alexander points out has to do with control. Some people "preach" all the time even though they recognize that it doesn't change the other's behavior. It does more for the one delivering the sermon than for the one on the receiving end. What it does is allow the person attempting to control and influence by brow beating to at least feel he or she is doing SOMETHING. More than that, anxiety may be significantly reduced by feeling "I'm doing the best I can." Letting go is hard. Releasing control is difficult for many people who are frightened by the possibility that their partner will abandon them if they don't maintain ever-vigilant efforts to modify (nag) and criticize (control) behavior. So next time your spouse (or parent) is trying to nag you into submission, or deliver sermon number 71B for the umpteenth time... remind yourself that it is really just because he or she truly cares about you. It might help you tolerate it a little easier. And it might allow you to calmly negotiate and cultivate a new way of dealing with one another that doesn't require this irksome (but caring!) behavior. James M. Read, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist  Originally published in The Idaho Stateman newspaper (Boise, Idaho) May 20, 1993 For more information, or to contact the author (that's me!), write to James M. Read, Ph.D., jread@jread.com