ask dr. read      Idaho Statesman columns      new articles      biography      formal resume      philosophy      services offered      contact dr. read      psychology links      other links      forms      pictures		Self-Disclosure is Vital to Healthy Family Relationships by James M. Read, Ph.D. My father grew up in an era when people didn't do a lot of self-disclosure. As a result he never learned, I don't think, to share much about his feelings. We knew a lot about his philosophical beliefs, morals and other values. We knew some about his likes and dislikes, his tastes and preferences. But we didn't know much about his feelings. I never heard him talk about being depressed, or anxious. And I wonder now, did he get depressed and have doubts just as I do? I think he did, and I wish I could talk with him about it now. I don't remember him ever saying he was afraid. I only actually saw him afraid once. Just before open heart bypass surgery. He wasn't sure he'd survive it. I can only remember seeing him actually appear anxious once -- during a radio talk show. That too surprised me. I guess I didn't think he got anxious about anything. Parents shouldn't hide their feelings from their children, or from each other. Neither should friends. Healthy self-disclosure is vital to emotional intimacy in real and important relationships. That means talking about more than just your likes and dislikes, your thoughts, opinions, and attitudes. These can be quite superficial, and reveal only part of the real you. The deepest level of self-disclosure has to do with feelings. My father didn't share very much of that with us, and I realize now, 9 years after his death, how much I missed it. I'm trying to be more self-disclosing with my family. It isn't easy. It's hard for us because of fear. We fear being rejected, ridiculed, or embarrassed. We fear not living up to the other's expectations. We fear conflict. To make it easier to be "real" we should work to create the kind of family atmosphere where rejection and put-down are rare, and support for honest sharing is consistent. Parents can model this through appropriate talk with children about what is really going on inside them. Let the children see that you struggle with anxiety, fear, frustration, depression and what have you. And hopefully you can also show them how you cope successfully with these and other feelings. My father didn't do much of that with me, and I wish he had. I would have known him a lot better, and perhaps had less doubts about myself as a result. For most of the years I thought he was perfect. A Saint. And how could I measure up to that? James M. Read, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist  Originally published in The Idaho Stateman newspaper (Boise, Idaho) March 3, 1994 For more information, or to contact the author (that's me!), write to James M. Read, Ph.D., jread@jread.com